Tag Archive for 'Blade Trinity'

New adventures in cinematology

Published
by
Colm
on 3 February, 2009
in Films & TV
. 0 Comments

I went to see eight films in January, all of which were worth seeing1. This would normally have cost me something like exactly eighty quid, but because of my Unlimited card, almost certainly the greatest invention in history, it only set me back twenty. Thrift!

(Incidentally I think I’ve worked out this fiendish scheme. Studios take a vast slice of the profits for the first couple of weeks a film is screened. Say it’s 75% – an adult ticket costs a tenner, therefore €7.50 goes to the studio, while tickets bought with the card are rung up as a sale of €3.30, so only €2.48 goes off into the nether2. Meanwhile the cinema is still collecting a steady €20 per month from everyone who has a card. Economics!)

Anyway, more or less the reason I mention this is because I happened to notice that Billy Chainsaw (that’s Bizarre’s Billy Chainsaw to you) has an enthusiastic endorsement on the poster for some yoke called The Broken. Now this strikes me as a pretty efficient use of real estate, because if a man called Billy Chainsaw likes a film then I reckon you should be able to figure out straight away what your feelings on it are going to be. Frankly all pen names should be chosen on this basis. Benjamin Black? Iain M Banks? THEY TELL ME NOTHING.

The rest of the reason I mentioned it is because while I was waiting for people to turn up I amused myself by imagining that Underworld: Rise of the Lycans was actually called Underwear: Rise of the Lycra. Readers, I have never had a more enjoyable two minutes.

  1. I can’t off the top of my head think of a film I’ve actually regretted going to. Except Blade Trinity, obviously. You could put all my possessions in a cargo crate full of elephant dung and drop it in the middle of the Atlantic and I wouldn’t be as angry as I was after sitting through that. Go on, throw in my closest friends – wave that DVD at me and you’ll get away scot free. [↩]
  2. In the time it took me to switch back to this window from the calculator, I forgot what the number’s supposed to be. €2.48 is three quarters of €3.30, yeah? [↩]