There’s something like my weight in books sitting at the end of my bed these days. I’m not counting shelves, you understand – only the bags of just-bought unreads. Some people seem to feel like this would be a daunting prospect, as if reading is something you have to push yourself into. Which, I don’t know. I spend minutes at a time just smelling books. I build them into a fort around me, laughing like a maniac the whole time. If I could swim through the things Scrooge McDuck-style, you’d better believe I wouldn’t be here talking to you people.
Because it’s funnier in Dutch, that’s why.
The catalyst for all this was the €100 of book tokens I got for Christmas. I was going to save them til my in-tray had diminished a bit, but on my first day back in work I went for lunch and – oh hello, I appear to have wandered near Hodges Figgis. You know they’re gonna have some sweet deals, might as well check those out.
I ended up buying seven books by accident. Which is to say, I didn’t specifically intend to buy seven books. I just kind of fugued. Also, the cashier was pretty.1
So ok, that’s gonna keep me going for a while. However, and for reasons outside my control, I happened to end up in Waterstones a few days later. Now, the thing about Waterstones is they have those 3-for-2 deals which, obviously, you’d be a fool not to take advantage. Not only that but there’s a best-of-the-decade table. I don’t want to spell things out for you, but let’s just say I woke up hours later with a brutal hangover and Random House’s number tattooed on my chest.
That should have been the end of it. But no: one morning the following week I forgot to put a book in my pocket on my way out the door. The whole way in on the bus I was just staring into space. Have you ever noticed what other people sound like? What they smell like? It was a nightmare. What the hell was I going to do on the way home? Gnaw my own arm off? Clearly, an emergency fix was needed. So into Hodges Figgis at lunchtime – Garrison Keillor, you say? And only €4? Job’s a good un. But on the other hand, if I find another book for €6 that means I’ll get a stamp on the ould loyalty card, and that’s just sensible.
It goes on in this vein. I’m going to trail off now, because I’m giving myself the vapours and my bank account can’t withstand another blackout. And because there’s a book of EU tax legislation here that I haven’t put to bed yet, and man do I want to see how that turns out.
- A fun game in bookshops is to try get the cashiers to check you out. I think I caught her attention with the Pynchon, but on reflection Rape: A Love Story wasn’t my smoothest move. [↩]
To be honest, your weight in books isn’t all that much really. My weight in books on the other hand…
Can we form an enablers group? Fuck support, I just want someone to tell me it’s ok to just maybe buy another twelve or so after I’ve realised my shelves are breaking under the strain.
Also, soon I plan to smell like a library (with the aid of some cunning alchemy).
Dunno if I’m down with that, the smell of library sans actual library is a cruel trick to play. And would almost certainly lead to something like the ending of Perfume.
Yes, as per my twitter post. Exactly like this. I was standing outside the Foroige office in Athenry, waiting for my friend to come open up so I could help teach kids some art. I was due to wait about 10 minutes. Maybe slightly less. And directly across the road is the most unkempt, disorganised book cave I have ever seen. I knew that without some prop, some prophylactic to make the *shopkeeper* refuse me entry, I would go in and buy something. Anything to feed the vice. So I bought coffee to make her keep me out. I think maybe that support group is in order.
You’d save yourself a fortune if you worked in a charity shop. I get first dibs on everything that comes in and get them for a couple of quid (or free, if I promise to bring them back or bring something else in their place). I may have already brought home more than i will be able to read in my lifetime.
incidentally, just how fast do you read? I think I’m on my fourth book of this year and have been feeling pretty smug about it. Though I think herself is on her seventh or eighth.
I can’t imagine that any support group wouldn’t just degenerate into a book-oriented Black Mass. I’m not against that, necessarily. But it’s something to bear in mind.
Andrew, I aim for two a week, but I’m on a bit of a meganovel fix lately so it’s kind of all over the place.
I really enjoyed this post m’dear. Keep posting!
YOU keep posting.
HA! I’ve played the make the book shop girl check you out game. I’ve also played the go to the male/not hot cashier because you don’t want to have the hot girl see you buy something embarrassing. It can also be played in music stores.
Tried the music shop version once or twice, but I ain’t good at it. I’m just out of my depth, you know? And they can smell that.
You are also unavailable. We women can smell that too