A group of us are visiting a friend in Galway this weekend. I neglected to mention this to him until something approaching the last minute. He was mildly resentful at having to change his plans – plans in the loosest sense, since he was just going to be sitting on his arse doing nothing. In his words, he’d been looking forward to not having to put pants on for the weekend.
You might say, I remarked, that we’re forcing you to move to PANTSCON 4.
I might, he said. In fact, I will.
We quickly realised what we were sitting on. An effective PANTSCON scale would do away with the footling awkwardness of “smart casual” and “work formal” and so on – after all, once you’re wearing the right trousers, everyone else falls into place automatically.
Twelve hours later, and here we are. The PANTSCON scale, revision 1:
5: Pantsless. The lowest condition of pants readiness.
4: Pyjamas or similar slouchypants.
3: Jeans. Cords, if you’re that way inclined.
2: Work-appropriate pants. Chinos. “Slacks”.
1: Fancy pants, with a crease you could lose a finger on. A condition of maximum pants alert.
Patent pending. Use it wisely.
Wow, I feel now that most of my life can be easily fitted into one of these 5 categories. Although I feel that I will never have chino experience.
I put them in for the sake of completeness. I doubt they’ll see much action in the field, to be honest.
I have been known to spend weeks in pantscon 2. Can’t go wrong with a bit o’ pinstripe to classy up your life
I’m wearing pinstripe trousers right now! The crease is a little bit lacklustre though. Still, once I lash on my morning coat and stick a flintlock in my waistband no one will notice.
Colm make a jacket list
No. EVERYTHING FOLLOWS FROM TROUSERS. And anyway Paddy did the groundwork, go hassle him.
I have noticed that Southies tend to use a lot of American words in their vocabulary
I would never in a million years describe trousers as pants. Pants are underwear! If you go up to a Nord and tell them you are planning on not wearing any pants at the weekend they would ask you about chaffing
You (Southies in general) also seem to use the word ‘Mom’ a lot. This is strange to me.
1. Trousers are trousers and pants are underwear, except in comedy situations, at which point trousers become pants, and also in the case of imperatives, e.g. “For God’s sake, put some pants on.”
2. I have never used or heard anyone else use the word “Mom”. Wait… maybe one person.
3. You’re wrong and I’ll thank you to issue a retraction.
shoes, silly man, shoes.
judge a fellow by his footwear.
1. I stand corrected
2. Thank God. It’s so alien to me
3. In my experience I don’t believe that I am wrong however I will issue a retraction if you will answer my goddamn email *shakes fist*
Dunny make me call ye Templeton!
You wish you could call me Templeton.
I think I’ll go with Tempy …
Quit yappin and start tappin! …that is on the keys as you write me back
In fairness PANTSCON 4 should be renamed “Johnny”
I did have you in mind… the original draft said “old man pants” instead of slouchypants, but I didn’t think people would get the reference. What with them generally not being familiar with your old man pants.
Now that I think of it, I miss Johnny-walking-around-in-duvet. Make it happen.
Who the fuck says ‘Mom’ I call my mother ‘Mother’ ‘Breda’ or …well words that you shouldn’t say to your mother…but I say it in a loving way
Mom is an acceptable word in my world. I do use it frequently. Well, as frequently as I refer to my mother. And other people’s, although mostly that’s reserved for text messages. In conversation another individuals mother is their mother.
The Cold War of dress choice is over now, and the great divide between the casual and the formal was destroyed in the 90′s. We use colour coded terminology these days surely. Although Red Pants Alert is a clumsy method of referring to ones garments.
I have to say, this is a good scale.
I also agree with the Nord on the use of ‘Mom’, and would like to encourage users of that word to move back to America. Fuck, for years I had issue with ‘Mum’, finding it far too British.
Mam or Ma, keep the mucksavagery of our race alive please.
“Trousers are trousers and pants are underwear, except in comedy situations, at which point trousers become pants, and also in the case of imperatives, e.g. “For God’s sake, put some pants on.” ”
YES! YES!! Finally someone has articulated and put into a single sentence an important truth that had been rattlingad around my head for many a sleepless night. That is precisely how the trousers/pants conundrum works. Thank you, good sir.
Sir, albeit this be a Fine Concept, on this very thread you have pants lightly o’er a lack that undermines it when it Must needs undergird it: the matter of Underpants.
You must, Sir, integrate Underpants into The Plan.
Breezily –
Percy B. Silly
i’m always number 2 or 3 so
Is there a need for underpants consideration?
I mean its either boxers or not boxers…is it not?!?
Landigan – Mum isn’t too bad. I prefer it to calling her Mummy (which I did when I was younger). I refer to my Mum as ‘Ma’ most of the time but if I ever called her Ma to my face I’d be slapped and called a millbag
That’s a very impressive scale… i’ll be using that in the future.
I saw you yesterday in what looked supsiciously like PANTSCON 1 mode. You disappoint me, Colm.
It’s an awful lot of fun seeing around the city and commenting on your appearance without ever stopping to say hello. Let’s never change.
Oh, I’m at PANTSCON 1 most of the time. I make no apologies for that.
Fancy Pants Colm? …Are you a fop? I think you would suit being a fop with a high collar
I’m more of a grunge dandy. And I do love a good collar.
You know what I love?
Emails.
*cough*