So those touchscreen video jukeboxes: concealed within each one is a metric shitacre of hilarity. Every song gets a limited amount of real estate, with the result that titles often get truncated, leaving us with gems like:
- I Would Do Meat Loaf
- Here Comes The Shorty Long
- I Just Called Stevie Wonder
and the reigning champion:
- She Bangs The Stone Roses1
But I’ve discovered that it’s not limited to video jukeboxes. The wee little yokes in Eddie Rockets2, with their charming old-timey tunes, are suggestive goldmines3. Witness:
- I’m Gonna Tear Your Ann Peebles
- But I Do Clarence Henry
- Tell Laura I Love Her Ray Petersen
and the plaintive
- She’s Not There, Zombies
I would have more for you, but things got a bit Jimmy Ruffin last night after some girl accused me of grabbing her Ray Petersen, at which point her boyfriend punched me right in the Ann Peebles. Bad times.
- Tempted to say “former reigning champion”, because I’m Gonna Give Her Jimmy Ruffin is hammering on the doors like no one’s business. Incidentally, many cheers to Ruairi for refreshing my memory with these. Similarly incidentally, every man jack of you should be hitting up Futurism in Doran’s tomorrow night. [↩]
- I had to google Eddie Rockets to check if there’s supposed to be an apostrophe. So I’m guessing the place isn’t owned by an Eddie Rocket, but is in some way connected with a guy called Eddie Rockets. Does anyone else think that would be a brilliant name for a gangster? [↩]
- Suggestive gold: one of the few truly recession-proof commodities. [↩]
“I Would Do Meat Loaf”
loaf kinda rhymes with love too.
I always browse those machines when I’m out somewhere and lonely… never any other time
I would do anything for loaf, ja?
Man, jukebox browsing is a team sport. If you look like you’re only doing it because you’re alone and passing the time, you look even WORSE than if you were just propping up the bar.
I’ve NEVER browsed it by myself, but regularly there’d be 2 or 3 of us terminally bored people at it.
My general super lonely by myself method is sitting in a corner to sleep, or constantly heading to the toilets
Eddie Rocket’s is owned by a fella my Dad knows. He lived in Hugo Street in Belfast on the Falls and according to my Dad, he made his money selling condoms to people in the South (when condoms were banned). The fella had such a business mind and he is now a multi millionaire owning all the Eddie Rockets in Dublin!
There ya go now
Heh heh, Johnny Rockets.